When turkeys mate they think of swans.
We’re more effective than birth control pills.
I know you’ve been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.