W. C. Fields
I don’t know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
I’d like to see Paris before I die… Philadelphia will do.
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
I never met a kid I liked.
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
I must have a drink of breakfast.
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve seen the devil.